I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
