I got chris browned last night
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
