The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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