alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
