So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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