Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
