I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
