haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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