I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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