So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
