I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
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doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
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I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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