You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
