I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
