i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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