are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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