Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
