Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
