where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
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Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
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Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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