The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My dick has a subreddit
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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