yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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