I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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