I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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