hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
