Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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