yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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