I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
