This is not my ceiling
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
