Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
They have beer where we have blood.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
