if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
