she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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