I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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