I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just had sex bonerless
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize