if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
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The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I supernannyed him into submission
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I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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