He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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