Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
