Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
