At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
