Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
