My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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