In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
