I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
