I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
