I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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