my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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