There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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