Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
