I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
