he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
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I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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