textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
