I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
how drunk are you?
Several
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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