I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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