So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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