I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
