I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
