Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
