If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
